


Want You

by CrimsonBlueMoon (Navybluewings)



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Rating May Change, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-02-17 09:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13074162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Navybluewings/pseuds/CrimsonBlueMoon
Summary: Evan hasn't told anyone but Brock the truth about Rynx, or how he is connected to the mystery artist who has yet to release a completed song. Despite his friend encouraging him to let the world hear his full potential, Evan has his reasons not to. The main one? His best friend (and not so secret crush), Delirious. If Evan has it his way, Delirious willneverknow the truth about Rynx.So how does one conversation, an all-nighter, and an unlisted video change all of this? Vanoss is about to learn that fate works in mysterious (and sometimes, wonderful) ways.





	1. When You Put it Like That...

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! So this is my first story in this fandom, and though I've had some pretty good success in my other fandoms, this is a whole new ballgame. But when I heard Evan's new Outro, this idea sort of popped into my mind. I hope that I won't disappoint! ^.^ So please enjoy =)

Evan’s first name had been chosen for him before he was even born, though it became official on May 31st, 1992. Mr.Fong was a title given to him by his teachers, creating a love-hate relationship with the title depending on who was using it. Vanoss was used by his Youtube community who wore his logo and watched his videos daily. It seemed pretty safe to say with 20 million subscribers that he wasn’t going to get rid of the name anytime soon. Night Owl was his superhero title until copyrights threatened to take him to court over the matter. That had to be switched to Bat Owl, but he was fine with it. Well, he was after a particular person had thought of it for him. Then there were the nicknames _inside_ of the nicknames like Hoodini and Ev, each having its own flair depending on the person. But the truth of the matter was this; Evan was known by a lot of names. 

 

Rynx, though, was not one of them. 

 

It was no secret that Evan loved music. He played the guitar well and had a knack for changing his outro music more than most Youtubers. But Rynx, a mysterious artist who enjoyed remixing music, was a whole new level. The name came from an unknown source that even Evan couldn’t remember. Maybe a random thought after a night of too much editing. He was sure that Brock, also known as Moo, was there during the decision, as the man was the only other soul who knew who Rynx was. Even the people who he asked to work with only knew the alias and not the man behind the beats. There were theories of who Rynx could be, and Evan was surprised that some fans did link him to the musician. But it was all speculation at best, and Rynx had a very small following compared to his Vanoss persona. It was a good thing Moo was a trustworthy friend and Evan knew his alter ego was safe. 

 

Brock had encouraged Evan to toss some of his tracks online under his own name, believing the small snippets of music Vanoss had let him listen to were inventive and catchy. Each time Moo would make the argument that he had a talent, despite knowing of Evan’s reservations. But Evan had yet to remix a full song. The Canadian was still wary of connecting his music persona to his own. He was sure that he would get positive feedback as Vanoss or Evan, but how much of that would be because of his Youtube career? Even if his fans didn’t enjoy the tracks, their loyalty would push them to say it was good. The other side of the spectrum was that some would rail against it for the simple fact that he was Vanoss. Whether it was fear that he would stop making videos or anger that he wasn’t supposed to venture out of his gaming bubble, Evan knew pointless negativity was bound to happen. 

 

There was one more fear that kept the man from putting his name on the music he created; Delirious. The clown Youtuber was one of Evan’s closest friends, though Vanoss would be lying if he said the feelings ended there. It was hard to not fall head over heels for the bubbly maniac. Ignoring the underlying fascination with the other man had been easy when Delirious was a faceless Youtuber who lived thousands of miles away. He had always questioned the butterflies and quickened pulse whenever Jonathan called his name in their recordings or laughed with his signature tune. This had been a feeling that Evan had tried to normalize through the years of playing with Delirious. Even if he didn’t get the same sensation with Brock or Tyler, Evan contributed the fixation to Jonathan’s refusal to show himself. The mystery of the man, Vanoss reasoned, was what lured him in. It wasn’t until Delirious announced he would be moving to California that Evan really had to face the elephant in the room. Or more importantly, why he was so happy about Jonathan moving so much closer to him when several other friends had done the same exact thing. 

 

When Delirious’s plane touched down seven months ago in California, Evan made sure he was the first person to see the man who had evaded everyone’s gaze for so long. Seeing him in person changed a lot of things for Evan. One, Delirious was good-looking. Not in the mainstream, Hollywood version of handsome. His skin wasn’t as tan and he was leaner than most of the body focused men of California. But his crooked grin and big dimples that popped up under blue eyes whenever he smiled left Vanoss breathless from awe. Well, the top part of him at least; the bottom half was very aware of its appreciation of Delirious in person. These thoughts tended to linger in his mind after Evan fell asleep, leaving him with dreams that made it hard to meet Jonathan’s gaze the next day. Having the secretive YouTuber sitting by his side while watching a movie or seeing him shirtless and passed out on Evan’s couch after a night of drinking was surreal and terrifying at the same time. Delirious didn’t seem to notice Evan’s turmoil, continuing to ask the man to show him around the new state. The closer the two became, the stronger the emotions battled inside of Vanoss. After a few panicked phone calls to Brock and two months of existential crises, Evan accepted the truth; he was in love with his best friend. 

 

It wasn’t long after this revelation that he and Sydney broke up. The blame wasn’t placed on someone specific; their lives were developing in different directions. Vanoss was always focused on his flourishing career, and Sydney didn’t want to wait for him at home anymore. For some time, she tried to travel with him to conventions and other events. But she never got the same thrill that Vanoss did, and the events only wedged a larger divide between them. And when Delirious finally moved to California, the relationship was quick to lose its last leg. Sydney never made the claim verbally, but the strained tension in the house whenever Evan chose to hang out with Jonathan over Sydney was just as loud. Neither wanting to drag out the inevitable, Sydney packed up her belongings and moved back to her hometown without a fight from Evan. 

 

But it wasn’t until Evan was surfing the internet three months later that the truth of the break-up was set in stone. 

 

**Sydney went from being “single” to “in a relationship”**

 

“Shit.” Somewhere in the back of his head, Evan knew it was bound to happen. Sydney was gorgeous, inside and out. She deserved to be happy and in love with someone who could give her the attention she wanted. But anyone who broke up always wanted to be the one to get into a new relationship first. And Evan had opportunities; being a famous Youtuber came with a high desirability rate. The amount of fan mail and lewd comments he got on his channel was proof enough that he wasn’t lacking in the appeal department. But whenever a woman casually offered her information to him, an echo of a unique laugh would change his answer to ‘no’ without a second thought. He didn’t have a shot with his best friend, but that had no effect on how he felt.   
He was in love with Delirious, even if he knew he shouldn’t be. 

 

“Vanoss?” Evan had called the man without having to think about the number, Evan letting out a slow breath before speaking. 

 

“Sydney’s got a boyfriend.” There was no need to beat around the bush with his friend, as Delirious would somehow stumble over the information without realizing it. It wasn’t that Jonathan was perceptive; the man just had dumb luck. Without warning, he’d ask a question that hit too close to home and Vanoss would simply spill. He might have felt like an idiot if not for the fact that many from the Banana Bus Squad had fallen victim to this. It was almost comical to see Tyler, known for sarcastic remarks and a hard-shelled persona, accidentally fold under the pressure Delirious didn’t know he exuded. But Delirious never used the ‘superpower’ for harm, and always seemed to find a way to make the person feel better about whatever situation they were dealing with. 

 

“Shit.” Jonathan’s repeat of his previous thought was humorous, making the younger man chuckle despite the lump still lodged in his throat. 

 

“Yup.”

 

“You okay?”

 

“It’s been three months.” That comment didn’t technically answer the question, but Delirious seemed to understand the meaning behind the words left unspoken.

 

“Wanna go play GTA? You can try to launch me over a building with your rocket bike.” 

 

“You don’t have anything to record tonight?” Evan asked, relieved when he heard the sound of a console turning on through the phone. 

 

“Nope, I’m free. Now let’s go blow some shit up!” 

 

Since moving to the west coast, the demand of people who wanted to play with Delirious had greatly increased. Getting popular because of his unique personality, Jonathan had been able to separate himself from the group to make solo videos without losing fans. He had even created his own small group with Cartoonz, Ohmwrecker, and Gorillaphant that he tended to play with weekly. Vanoss had been asked to join the group for the occasional recording, but the younger man tended to stay with his squad unless promoting something for Youtube. Delirious was becoming a name that people were recognizing and Vanoss felt a bittersweet sensation paired with the information. He was happy for his friend, and yet…

 

“Vanoss? Are you going to sign in or what?” 

 

“Alright alright, keep your pants on.” 

 

“Who says I’m wearing any?”

 

“Delirious.” The infectious laughter now echoing in his ear made Evan smile before the two threw themselves into the game. It wasn’t hard to lose track of time when playing with his best friend. It could be a game that he had played thousands of times, and yet the two never seemed to get bored. Trying impossible stunts or simply doing missions in the game was an adventure with Delirious, who could never seem to do things simply. The hours of the afternoon dipped into nighttime outside of Vanoss’s home, yet the man didn’t mind wasting his night recording a new mashup of stupid footage with his best friend. 

 

“Do you still talk to her?” The question wasn’t asked with malicious intent, yet Vanoss felt a weird prick of pain at the edges of his heart. Even didn’t answer right away, finishing launching the grenade from his weapon toward the car Delirious was driving. “You bitch!” 

 

“Got your ass!” The two laughed as the clown flew through the air, Vanoss running over to collect the money that Delirious had previously stolen from him. “And to answer your question, no. We live in different states now, so it’s hard.” 

 

“But we used to talk all the time and we were in different countries sometimes.” 

 

“That’s different.” 

 

“How?” _Because I’m in love with you, so I’ve always made time even when I didn’t have any_. But even as Evan thought this, he was already searching for another answer to give his friend. 

 

“Well our jobs are the same, so it’s easier to meet up. I can’t exactly tell Sydney to come blow up a cruise ship with me and hang out.” 

 

“Why the hell not? Maybe she’d love it!” Ignoring the rebuttal, Evan scanned his options to set up a mission for the duo as he spoke.

 

“I guess it’s also because...well, even when you break up with someone amicably, there’s still some hurt and frustration left behind.” 

 

“Really? I thought that was just for the messy ones.” 

 

“Oh? Did Delirious get dumped by his teddy bear?” Trying to hide his snicker was useless for the Canadian when Delirious snapped back with a gasp.

 

“No! Teddy would _never_ leave me.” The good-natured jibe seemed to lose some of its positive energy when a few moments of silence lingered. Jonathan’s voice took a lower tone when he continued. “But my last relationship was kind of a shit show.” 

 

“When did you have a girlfriend?” Evan asked, feeling some of his attention drift from the game they were playing to listen to the man on the other side of the discord. 

 

“It was only the first couple years we knew each other; being a Youtuber means I don’t have time for relationships.” 

 

“Yeah, I get that,” Evan replied, remembering the same words being thrown into the breakup conversation with Sydney. He thought over the wording of his next question while his character pulled someone out of their car to steal it. “So was it serious?” 

 

“I guess. To me it was. Talked about getting married and stuff before I caught her cheating with one of our friends.” 

 

“Shit.” 

 

“Pretty much.”

 

“What did you do when you found out?” A long pause after the comment made Vanoss worry he had pushed too far. Delirious had mentioned that he had taken the relationship seriously. Had the break-up been too hard to talk about? Before he could retract the question, Jonathan coughed and replied with a tone that implied pride. 

 

“I kicked her out!” It only took a moment for Delirious to amend his statement. “...Okay, so maybe Cartoonz did that. But I was the one who thought of egging the dude’s car! Cartoonz was all for it. It was freezing outside, too, so the car’s paint was fucked up. He knew it was us who did it, but he couldn’t prove it. Pretty sure he cried. It was awesome; best fifteen bucks I ever spent.” 

 

It wasn’t surprising to hear that the other Youtuber had gotten in on the revenge; Luke was known for being protective of Delirious. Sometimes it made Vanoss get nervous when playing with the older man. He knew how important Cartoonz was to Delirious, and getting on Luke’s bad side would greatly affect Vanoss and Jonathan’s friendship. Luckily, Luke was an easy-going player who didn’t seem to mind Evan’s company during their rare video collaborations. He would even venture to say the two were friends, despite their lack of common interests. It seemed that Luke kept a close eye on Vanoss, though, and it made it hard to truly let his guard down. 

 

“Why didn’t she just break up with you?”

 

“Because then she couldn’t use me for my money.” It was rare to hear the bitter tone in the older man’s voice, and Evan let his character get shot by the cops who were chasing him to listen. “I was the only one working in the apartment, so I paid the rent and for all the groceries. My extra money went to car insurance and her cell phone bill. I guess it was some kind of thrill for them to fuck in the home I was paying for. She didn’t even care when I caught her; she kind of bragged about getting away with it for so long.” 

 

“What the hell? That’s-you better not still talk to her.” 

 

“N-No way!” There was a small stutter added to the denial, Delirious quick to push forward in the conversation. “We broke up like, three years ago. She’s got no clue who I am anymore and...that’s part of the reason I don’t want to reveal my identity. I don’t need all the people that kicked me to the side to come crawling back into my life. Cartoonz would probably make sure those people knew where they could shove their apologies, but...I’m kind of stupid, ya know? I’d feel bad or something and probably-”

 

“She doesn’t deserve anything from you,” Vanoss cut off his friend before he could continue the statement, a pause of silence quickly broken by Delirious. 

 

“I’m not worried about it. Besides, if she did try to come back, Bat Owl would swoop in and save me.” 

 

“Hell yeah, he would.” Vanoss was aware that the other man was joking to avoid the conversation, but the rumble of anger that pooled in his stomach from Jonathan’s story didn’t dissipate. It stayed stagnant during the rest of the recording, refusing to flow away even after the two men had said their goodbyes. Evan couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the conversation. Tired brown eyes could find no solace in the darkness of his bedroom, and his fingers itched to do something with the negative energy. 

 

How he ended up at his computer, he couldn’t remember, but picking the aggressive song from “They” was no accident. He had been attracted to their music before but had yet to pick which song he was going to remix with after getting their approval. But now, the choice he selected was more than just a beat to make a catchy riff to; it was a metaphor. Maybe for what Vanoss would have said if he had been in Delirious’s shoes. Maybe what he’d say if the woman ever did try to play with Jonathan’s emotions again. No matter the explanation, Evan worked throughout the night on a track he named _‘THEY-U-RITE (Rynx Remix)’_. 

 

The sun rose with his progress, the light fully brightening the skyline by the time Vanoss had added his ending beat. It was the first full remix that he had completed, and the rush of it felt amazing. He listened to the final product with closed eyes, allowing the heavy base and degrading words to soothe the quiet rage he had felt earlier. Losing the suppressing emotion, Vanoss finally felt the exhaustion that had escaped him before. He used the final bit of energy to go to his creator studio, making the video ‘unlisted’ before sending the link to Brock in a message. Hopefully, Moo would like the new version of the song enough not to question its meaning to Vanoss. Evan’s hand flopped onto his lap as he slid down in his computer chair, his eyes only closing for a moment before remembering one reason he couldn’t fall asleep yet. 

 

“I’m supposed to upload a new video today. Dammit.” He spoke the words quietly to himself as if to give the pep talk to the side that wanted to simply pass out in his chair. Groaning, Evan barely opened his eyes as he let his body move with practiced ease, opening the dashboard on his channel again. He clicked on one of his backup videos, not caring which one he picked at this point, and switched the option to public. Knowing that Youtube would do the rest for him, Evan pushed out of his chair before taking a nosedive on the bed across the room. He barely managed to pull the covers over himself before he was passed out, dreaming of hockey masks and infectious laughter.


	2. U-Rite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mishap with the song reveals more about Jonathan's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support with this story! Sorry this chapter came in so late, I forgot to update it here as well as Tumblr! ^.^

Evan wasn’t sure if the blaring of his ringtone or the pounding on his door jolted him awake. Maybe both, as they were happening in sync with one another. Groaning over the lack of sleep he had gotten, Vanoss forcibly pushed himself out of the bed right as his phone stopped its obnoxious tune. With one hinderance down, Evan dragged himself to answer whoever play the drums against his front door. Not even opening his eyes fully, Vanoss swung it open while talking through a yawn. 

 

“What do you-”

 

“Vanoss!” The sudden embrace of lean arms around his neck surprised Evan, but he was held too tightly to tilt over. Despite his brain still holding onto some of its grogginess, the Canadian knew who was currently vibrating against him in what seemed like excitement.

 

“Delirious?” It was only when he called his friend’s name that the taller man pulled back, blue eyes sparkling with whatever had caused the extreme happiness. 

 

“How did you find that remix? It was _amazing_!” 

 

“Remix?” 

 

“The one from Rynx!” Hearing the name tumble out of his friend’s mouth froze Vanoss, though Delirious didn’t seem to notice through his rambling. “I tried to look up other songs from the guy, but he’s only got random clips out. He hasn’t even posted this song to his channel yet! How did you snag it first?” 

 

“Uh.” He prayed that his eyes didn’t show his panic as he tried to think of something to say in the moment. His brain was refusing to wake up and nothing that was being processed was making enough sense to be an acceptable excuse. Plus, the blaring of his phone in the background started again, which was distracting him. Delirious seemed to notice the noise too, sending a glance to the bedroom his phone had been left in. Thinking much quicker than before, Vanoss jumped on the distraction as an escape. “I’ve got to take that.” 

 

“Well, what are you waiting for, a damn invitation?” Delirious asked, laughing at his own joke. Trying to keep up an aloofness he did _not_ feel, Vanoss flipped off his friend before pushing Delirious back and sprinting to his bedroom. He glanced at the ID, reading ‘Moo’ before he answered the call.

 

“Brock-”

 

“Dude, way to make Rynx’s entrance into the music world mysterious.” The casual joke from his friend did not ease his frayed nerves, Evan glancing through his doorway to check in on Delirious. The man seemed more than comfortable making use of Evan’s kitchen, his phone playing a very familiar remix while he made his food. “If you were looking to catch everyone by surprise, you definitely did that. You didn’t even put a description. If that was Nogla I’d say it’s because he’s lazy, but since it’s you-”

 

“That’s because I didn’t mean to upload it to everyone; the only person I meant to see it was you.” 

 

“How did that happen?”

 

“I must have thought I was making one of my backup videos public. I wasn’t really looking when I picked because I could barely keep my eyes open.” 

 

“Well...that did not go as planned.” 

 

“No shit,” Evan replied, moving in front of his computer again. The videos he had intended to make public were still private, and Vanoss could only assume his state of exhaustion made him slip up. Now he stared at the remix footage, floored by the number of views it had already collected. People were commenting like crazy about the song, most questioning what other music Rynx had out. Besides the normal few that gave their negative comments or requested specific gameplays from Vanoss, the song was being very well received. 

 

“The guys have been blowing up the discord chat all day about the track.” A glimpse to the corner of his computer screen informed Vanoss that it was well into the afternoon, meaning he had slept through most of the day. It wasn’t uncommon for him to pull an all-nighter when playing with friends, though he rarely wasted the next day in his bed. The remake of the song had really taken a lot out of him. “Word on the street is that Delirious had already promoted the song on his channel and twitter. Apparently the remix ‘speaks’ to him even though he’s never met Rynx before. I wonder why that is.” 

 

“You are not helping.” 

 

“I think this would be a good way to tell him.” Brock’s suggestion felt like ice in Evan’s veins, the Canadian sitting up straighter in his chair as he hissed into the phone.

 

“Are you crazy?” 

 

“I think I’m being quite reasonable.” 

 

“I can’t just... _tell_ him.” Evan’s eyes swept away from his screen and back into the kitchen, biting the inside of his cheek when seeing how easily Jonathan moved through his home. Delirious looked like he owned the place, though that thought wasn’t as surprising as it should have been. 

 

More often than not Evan found Delirious cooking whatever food the younger man had planned on making for dinner. When he felt like really torturing himself, the Canadian thought about the drawer of clothes and toiletries that the other man kept in Evan’s bedroom for nights he didn’t feel like going home. Vanoss had given his friend Sydney’s key after she left (why he hadn’t used said key earlier, Evan wasn’t sure), and he couldn’t count the number of times he came home to see Delirious screaming at the TV while playing some sort of game with their friends on the Canadian's console. Sometimes Jonathan would simply bring his gaming equipment over, keeping it in Evan’s living room for weeks at a time. The temptation to simply have Jonathan move in him was always on the tip of his tongue, but Evan wasn’t sure if he could handle keeping his feelings hidden with the man living under the same roof. Sometimes Delirious would shower there and even that…

 

Yup, living with Jonathan without jumping him wasn’t going to happen. 

 

“You know he’s going to support you about this; Delirious has always been one of your biggest fans.” Moo’s words made his chest warm, but it didn’t shake the anxiety that swarmed his head at the thought of revealing himself. 

 

“He’s got enough on his plate right now. He’s almost at 10 million, and I don’t want to pull any of that attention away from his milestone.” Because he knew how long Delirious had been working toward that achievement. Against the odds, the man behind the hockey mask had been able to push himself further than any other Youtuber without a face reveal under their belt. He didn’t have the ability to connect with his fans at conventions or on panels. There were no vlogs or collaborations with other players outside of their gaming. What Jonathan had created was a following based on nothing but his creative talents and vibrant personality. Vanoss was there when Delirious only had 50,000 subscribers; he had seen the pain and effort the man went through to keep his channel going. The last thing he wanted to do was shift the attention to himself right now, which he knew Delirious would do the second he discovered who Rynx was. 

 

“That I can understand.” Because Brock wasn’t just a good friend; he was someone who thought about both sides of a conversation instead of adamantly thinking his way was the only way. “Then maybe hold off for a bit, but when the time comes, don’t try to find another reason to avoid telling him. From what I can see, Rynx has a good career ahead of him so this won’t be going away anytime soon.” 

 

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled quietly, truly thankful for the unconditional support his friend had given him from day one. 

 

“No problem! Maybe one day Rynx can even make an outro for my videos.” In the background of the call, Evan heard the cry of a baby, a low sigh coming from his older friend. “That’s my cue to get off the phone. But you know how to reach me if you need anything.” 

 

“Sure, use your daughter to ditch me in my time of need. I see where I stand.” 

 

“Hey, aside from the weird colors that show up in her diaper, being a dad is the best excuse for getting out of anything.” The joke made both men laugh while ending the call, Vanoss staring at his phone as the screen flashed the time of the phone call before turning black. Slipping the device into his pocket as he stood, the Youtuber took his time walking back through his hallway and into the kitchen. His eyes immediately tracked the movements of Delirious, who couldn’t seem to match the beat of the remix ( _his_ remix) with the sway of his hips. The older man didn’t seem to mind his lack of rhythm, humming while he moved to flip the oddly shaped pancake in the pan in front of him. 

 

“You really like this song.” His statement was met with Jonathan’s scream, the man nearly tossing the breakfast item into the ceiling. 

 

“What the hell, Vanoss? Give a Delirious some warning before you sneak around!” The spatula nearly hit his nose when Delirious pointed it at him, Evan arching an eyebrow and flattening his voice.

 

“It’s my house, you know. And I wasn’t exactly ‘sneaking’ so much as not breaking the floorboards with each step. Also, why are you making pancakes at 4pm?” 

 

“I can eat pancakes whenever. What are you, the pancake police? I-I’ll eat em’ for brinner if I want!” 

 

“Brinner.” Vanoss tried to keep a straight face at the ludacris word, watching Jonathan nod his head several times. 

 

“It’s the meal between breakfast and dinner.”

 

“That’s called lunch, Delirious.”

 

“It’s called whatever the hell I wanna call it!” But the loud laugh that came after the statement proved that Delirious knew he was talking nonsense. Rolling his eyes despite his smile, Evan hopped up onto the counter next to the stove, watching the older man pour another scoop of batter into the pan. 

 

“That’s a lot of pancakes, even for you.” 

 

“Well for your information, Owlman, they’re for you, too.” Evan arched his eyebrow at the statement, Delirious not looking up from his cooking while he spoke. “You uploaded the remix at like, six in the morning. I know your sleep pattern; if you’re posting that early, it means you pulled an all-nighter. So that means you haven’t eaten since last night.” 

 

“You know, for someone who can’t remember the word pilot, you can be smart when you want to be.” The backhanded compliment had his friend scrunching his nose, and Vanoss had watched Delirious enough now to know that was a sign of disapproval. 

 

“Just because I don’t know smart people stuff doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” 

 

“That’s _exactly_ what that means.” 

 

“Says you!” Their banter lacked animosity, the two using teasing comments to communicate daily. Enjoying the cute pout lingering on Jonathan’s face, Evan lazily swung his feet in the air while the older man tapped his phone between flips of the pancake. “I’ll just drown you out with this amazing remix.” 

 

“It’s...not that great,” Evan answered softly, rearing back when Delirious snapped his head to scowl at his friend. 

 

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re the one who posted it; shouldn’t you know how awesome it is?” 

 

“Why do you like it so much, anyway? Doesn’t really seem like your style of music.” 

 

“It’s kind of weird to explain,” Delirious answered, allowing the intro of the song to play before he fumbled to deposit the slightly burnt pancake onto the stack of others. “And I don’t like words usually-”

 

“Try?” The request wasn’t meant to be imposing, but Vanoss could feel his fingertips buzzing with the desire to hear Delirious’s opinion of his music. He could see the line of frustration creasing over his friend’s forehead which meant he was putting thought into his words, and Evan felt a pinch of guilt. One of the benefits of having Delirious so close was that the younger man was able to notice physical cues that had been hidden well in his voice. There were emotions that shined so brightly in the way he chewed on his lip or the shine of his eyes that nobody listening to his voice would pick up on. It made Vanoss question how many times Delirious had hidden things from him while they were recording throughout the years. 

 

“Rynx sounds like he’s read my soul.” The comment which would have sounded corny from someone else was spoken with such genuine vulnerability that Evan could feel it in his core. Jonathan’s hand was clenched around the batter-covered spatula, blue eyes unfocused even as he turned the flame off the stove top. “It’s really easy to act like nothing bothers me. I mean, that’s what I’m known for; being the maniac clown who enjoys explosions and crazy scenarios. Nothing phases me, whether it’s outrunning a demonic being or killing my character with a gun to the head. So it would kind of make sense for people to forget that I’m not _really_ invincible. That when people use me for stuff or treat me like shit, that I’ll just smile through it all and keep going. But I...feel stuff. Pretty strongly, too. Anger or sadness, even happiness, they sort of...bounce inside me like a really wound up yo-yo or something.”

 

“Yeah, I get it.” Evan knew that Jonathan was struggling with the explanation, and needed the verbal encouragement that his words were making sense to continue. 

 

“At first, I kind of thought it was the lyrics that made everything all jumbled up inside. But...then I listened to the original song, and it didn’t hit me the same. It was good, I guess, but the... _heaviness_ of the mixed track was missing.” It was a strange way to describe the remix, but Vanoss didn’t speak, letting Delirious rattle off whatever his mind was thinking. “The original sounded confident, cocky, collected. That’s...not me. I m-mean it _is_ , but not all the time! So I went back and listened to the remix and-it was all over the place with emotions. The drop of the bass, the change of speed. The _tone_ of it was-Rynx sounded bitter. The pace and tempo would be predictable for a moment, but then just dropped into some lo-lost place, like maybe he didn’t know what to express. Like everything was-was-was stirred up and messy and not okay. But he’s using it to make music and not just... _ignoring_ it.”

 

“Are you?” After assessing that Delirious was done, Vanoss pushed closer to the edge of the counter to reach for his friend’s shoulders. Turning the dark-haired man to face him, Evan tried to catch Jonathan’s eyes. “Are you ignoring something?”

 

“No.” But the blue gaze quickly darting off to the side proved otherwise. 

 

“Hey.” Evan’s quiet call slowly turned the attention of his friend back toward him, and the younger man did his best to hide his concern with a grin. “Bat Owl’s not going to be able to save you if you don’t tell him whose ass to kick.”

 

“Shut up.” Yet the joke seemed to do the trick, the shoulders under Evan’s hands relaxing. “Last night, when you asked me if I still talked to my ex...I don’t, but she did reach out to me recently. Wanted closure or something, said she didn’t want to get married without seeing me one last time.”

 

“Did you go?” Vanoss’s mind instantly went to a month ago, when Delirious had gone back home for the weekend to visit his sister. He doubted his friend would lie to him about the trip, but the vulnerable part of his heart was quick to jump to that conclusion. The moment of fear dissolved when Delirious shook his head, the man finally glancing up to Vanoss while he spoke. 

 

“No. I don’t know what she really planned to do if we met up, but seeing her message stirred up all this...stuff that I’d just sorta shoved down when I caught her cheating. A lot of the stuff I wanted to say to her or wish I had at the time. And I didn’t really know what to do with all of that until Rynx’s remix popped up on my notifications. Each time I hear it, I kind of feel like there’s someone out there who can relate. Makes it easier to let go of the past and kind of look forward to the people who don’t just use me. Like you.” 

 

“M-me?” Vanoss, surprised at the shift in the conversation, felt a rush of emotion rise up when his friend gave a grin and laughed. 

 

“You’ve got twice as many followers, way more money, and tons of other YouTubers who want to be your friend. I mean, look at this house! It’s so bootiful.” The mispronunciation of the word made the two share a quiet smile, Delirious quick to continue. “And you’re still this concerned about me? Kind of feels nice to have someone as cool as _Vanossgaming_ be one of my best friends.” 

 

Despite struggling to put proper sentences together on a good day, Delirious didn’t miss a beat in his praising of Evan, who felt his cheeks warming in color despite his best efforts.

 

“Because ten million subscribers is a number to take pity on,” the Canadian replied, making sure to roll his eyes despite his smile. 

 

“I-I’m not there yet!” Seeming flustered at the comment, Delirious waved his hands around, Evan quick to shout when batter from the forgotten spatula splashed under his eye.

 

“Delirious!” 

 

“What?” Glancing up at the spatula and blinking, Delirious let out his signature laugh before dropping the cooking utensil into the frying pan. “Oh, forgot I had that.”

 

“You idiot,” Evan groused, moving to wipe the sticky batter off. Still laughing at his own antics, the older man batted Evan’s hand away before he leaned forward. His palm rested on Vanoss’s cheek, freezing the Canadian in his spot. Not seeming to notice how wide Evan’s gaze had gotten, Delirious swiped his thumb under the man’s eye, collecting the batter onto the pad of his finger.

 

“It’s fine, see?” There was no hesitation in Jonathan’s movements as he popped his thumb into his mouth, sucking the mixture clean off the finger and momentarily leaving Vanoss breathless. The younger man tried not to watch the slow movement of Delirious’s throat as it swallowed the batter, but he still felt a surge of heat douse the lower part of his belly. Throat dry, Evan coughed and looked down to his own lap, making sure everything below the belt was still in control as Delirious continued. “Ta-daaaaaa. Magic. Delirodini is in the house!” 

 

“Hoodini’s better,” Evan managed to get out, pushing off his spot on the counter and snagging a pancake to shove in his mouth. Food was always a great distraction whenever Delirious did something... _delirious_ -like. Chewing the semi-dry pancake, Evan managed to speak through the mouthful. “Let’s get some syrup and go play zombies.” 

 

“Yes!” Seeing the genuine excitement from his friend over the simple idea of playing video games made Vanoss chuckle. Maybe Moo was right. Delirious was nothing if not loyal to his friends. Most likely, Jonathan would be supportive of his work. He probably would continue to promote it, even if it wasn’t his taste in music. That was what best friends did for each other. There really wasn’t anything to fear. No matter the outcome of Rynx or his feelings, Delirious was always going to be the same guy who reached out to him all those years ago.

 

And yet even as Delirious made the couch his bed hours later, Evan couldn’t tell him the truth about either thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that you all enjoyed it! The next chapter will be coming out soon, so hope you'll let me know what you're thinking of the story until then.


	3. I Don't Want to Want You...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan realizes an important factor in his and Jonathan's relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you for continuing to read my story into the 2018 year. I hope that you enjoy this chapter! ^.^

After the minor debacle that was Rynx’s unplanned reveal, Evan was sure he had everything under control. The full song went up on the right Youtube page, though he never did take it off Vanossgaming. He also decided to use the song as his new outro, which lowered some of the speculation as to why he had been the first person promoting the song. The majority of people assumed that the new artist was using the gaming platform to promote his music. If someone wanted a product spread quickly, it was best to pair it with something popular. And with the amount of publicity that Vanoss has been accumulating over the past year, it was a safe bet to try and work with him. 

 

That didn’t mean that everyone was fooled; fans were quick to pick up on the logo that Rynx used and the similarities with Evan’s famous owl icon. The number of connections that the dedicated few made, from Rynx and Vanoss never being logged on at the same time, to the font they used on their Twitter accounts, was impressive and creepy. He never replied to the comments or questions, knowing that despite his desire to keep his identity a secret, for now, he didn’t want to lie. They didn’t deserve that. So instead he simply kept mum on the subject, trying to focus on making funny content and the rising number of followers that edged a particular friend closer to the ten million mark. 

 

Having Delirious relate so closely to the song made Evan realize another important detail; Jonathan was starting to inspire his work. Each time he had a good session with the masked gamer, or simply stumble upon one of his new videos, the younger man felt his desire to make music skyrocket. Though normally a good thing, the surge of inspiration made the YouTuber hesitant to put the pen to paper. What if making his own music gave too much away? What if he ended up writing a song about Delirious, and the other gamer found out? He didn’t know what he’d do if the other man made that connection. 

 

His fear made him crave a distance from Delirious that he had never felt before. Their channels were popular without having to do videos together, and Vanoss tried to take a step back from gaming so much with the older man. But like a moth to a flame, it was impossible for Vanoss to stay away from Delirious for long. Even when playing a game with their other friends, Vanoss would feel compelled to bring up the teddy bear loving maniac. He’d throw in stupid clips of Delirious playing another game, or simply mention something that the gamer would enjoy in the current game Evan was playing. And from some of the comments their fans posted on Twitter and YouTube, Delirious was doing the same thing. 

 

Even without their constant gameplay together, Delirious wasn’t 1,000 miles away anymore. The face-to-face time allowed Evan to catch the scared laughter Delirious used watching horror movies or see how stupidly cute he looked when he got whipped cream on his face from his overly sweet beverage. Spending time with him, without the buffer of a video game or console, meant they talked about normal (or as normal as they could be) topics. Delirious even went grocery shopping with him! Each time Vanoss decided he was going to take time to let his growing feelings die down, Jonathan did something that made every defense Evan put up crumble like sand. 

 

The silver lining of this was that none of his friends, including Delirious, believed that Vanoss was Rynx. Despite this, his friends in the Banana Bus Squad had positive reviews for the new outro. It started to be a joke, tossing in the chorus lines of the song into their videos. ‘You right’ was almost a catchline for Vanoss, who tended to say the line before doing something that went exactly against whatever the person had previously warned about. Even Tyler, a man known for being hard to impress, gave the track his nod of approval. And just as Moo had said on the phone, Delirious was all for promoting the single. He wasn’t doing it for personal gain, as the track didn’t really help him attract followers. The man seemed to simply enjoy the song, and wanted to share its content with his fans. So, despite having stumbled over introducing the world to Rynx, and his struggle to keep his feelings for Delirious and his alter ego separate, Vanoss was okay with the results. For months after the premiere, everything seemed fine. 

 

Until the night it wasn’t. 

 

The clock on the bottom of his computer screen read ‘12:14am’ when Evan heard what sounded like an elephant ramming into his front door. It startled him enough to drop his energy drink, the Canadian thankful it was mostly gone when hitting the floor beside him. He felt lucky that he had been editing on his newest GMOD video and not sleeping, as the noise would have scared him out of his bed. Deciding it was better to check on who was breaking into his house than clean up the mess, Vanoss grabbed his hockey stick (because he was proud of his Canadian blood, okay?) and carefully walked into the hallway. Another large bang in the wood made him jump, hesitating to move closer. 

 

“Vanoss, open up!” The familiar voice made the Asian man blink, dropping the weapon when realizing who the noisy guest was. 

 

“Delirious?” His question was answered when he opened the door to the disheveled man now gasping for breath on his welcome mat. His clothes were soaked, and it was only after absorbing that fact did Evan hear the heavy downpour smashing the outside of his house. When had it started raining? The question was easily overridden by another, more important topic. “What the hell are you doing here? It’s midnight, and you’re drenched. You really need to keep your key on you-wait, did you _run_ here?” 

 

“I can’t do this.” The words meant nothing in comparison to the quiver in his friend’s voice, Evan’s spine locking in place from concern. Blue eyes that were known for their spirit and vigor were lost as they directed their focus to the black and white converse sheltering Delirious’s feet from the rain.

 

“You can’t do what?” 

 

“This. Any of this, I-I just can’t!” 

 

“Okay, okay. It’s _okay_ , Delirious.” He wasn’t sure if that was true, but for now, he needed to keep his friend from having a full mental breakdown on his porch. “Let’s get in the kitchen so I can get something to dry you off with.” 

 

“...Kay.” Evan’s first instinct was to tell the man not to drip over his newly installed rug, but he bit his tongue at the sluggish way his friend dragged himself over the threshold. It looked like a boulder was chained to Jonathan’s back, and Evan unconsciously grabbed the inside of his cheek with his teeth while he scrambled to find some clean towels. Returning to the kitchen, Vanoss felt his stomach clench at the dripping mess that sat curled up in the kitchen chair. The dim lighting that Evan had left before going to record was still low, Delirious not seeming to notice how dark it was. Shoes sloppily tossed to the side, Delirious had his feet teetering on the edge of the seat, his arms wrapped firmly around the knees now pressed to his chest. It was strange to see a man as large as life curled in such a way, and Evan felt his voice softening when he approached his friend. 

 

“You’re not going to dry like that.” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Which means you’ll get sick, which is unheard of in California.” 

 

“I know.” It was hard to hear the defeated tone of his friend, but Evan refused to allow his emotions to overwhelm him. Instead, he sighed, dropping the towels onto the table before snagging one of Delirious’s ankles and tugging. The motion made both feet fumble to gain balance on the floor, uncurling the older man from his defensive position. Not giving his friend time to protest, Evan surged forward, snagging the zipper of the blue hoodie and yanking it open. “What the hell, Evan?”

 

“Stop acting surprised; you came here because you wanted me to help you, right?” Their eyes clashed like the thunder outside, though it was obvious that his friend had no real will to fight. Instead, Jonathan looked away, shrugging his shoulder with enough movement to dislodge part of the hoodie. Evan did the rest, peeling the sopping fabric away from the cold skin of his friend. The shirt was quick to follow, though Jonathan took responsibility for his own pants while Evan scavenged his friend’s drawer for pajamas. Despite finding Jonathan’s body distracting on most days, Vanoss couldn’t be bothered to check him out now. Not when he looked like everything in his life was falling apart. 

 

It took a couch, two blankets, and a cup of hot chocolate for Jonathan’s skin to warm again. Throughout the process, his friend was quiet, simply watching the younger man order him around with no protest. That observation made the Canadian nervous, and he didn’t stray far from his friend’s side. He simply waited, wondering what had caused the extreme reaction from the older man. Delirious had never been one to seek out help when he was struggling. It was part of keeping the facade that nothing bothered him. Even when he moved to California, Jonathan tended to try and handle the world on his own. 

 

“I thought California didn’t get cold.” The mumbling from beneath the blanket pulled Evan from his head. Glancing over at the ball of blankets next to him, Jonathan’s nose was still buried under the fabric, but his eyes were directed toward Evan. 

 

“It’s December, Delirious.”

 

“It’s California, _Vanoss_.” 

 

“We get cold in the winter. Sometimes it even _snows_.” 

 

“This is bullshit.” The swearing made Evan smile, relieved to hear some of the familiar personality peeking through. 

 

“You didn’t have snow in North Carolina?” 

 

“That’s not the point. You mentioned nothing about all the shitty things about California when I was moving here.” 

 

“I thought you knew how to use a weather map,” Vanoss teased softly, though he was quite aware of the tense shoulder that now leaned into his. It wasn’t unusual for the two to share space; Delirious didn’t fully grasp the understanding that the couch was big enough for six people. When they played games, it was likely that a few elbows would be jabbed into ribs from the frustration of losing. But in all the times that the two had sat next to each other, Evan had never felt such tension in his friend’s body. Taking a slow breath to keep from showing his fear of speaking, Vanoss pressed the topic tenderly. “What else don’t you like about living here?” 

 

“The...the lines for food are way too long. And the prices for everything are stupid. Who pays three dollars for a bottle of water?” Despite the question, Evan kept quiet, knowing the words Delirious _really_ wanted to say were still struggling to get out. “A-And the people can be rude. Everything’s a competition and...and the more people who follow you, the more pressure there is to do everything.” 

 

“Is this about the ten million subscriber mark?” It was obvious to see that his guess was correct. Delirious yanked the blankets closer to himself and huffed, the familiar furrowing of his brow expressing his stress. Now Evan understood why Delirious couldn’t simply call _anyone_ about this situation; Vanoss was the only one he knew who had gone through this. He wanted to believe that there was more to seeking out his help than that, but it gave the younger man a good place to start. “You think it’d be different if you weren’t here?” 

 

“I don’t...know. Maybe? Maybe I’m homesick and just taking it out on this stupid state of hell.” 

 

“Delirious, you...you don’t have to stay here. You have the option to go back to North Carolina.” The thought of Delirious leaving was unpleasant, but Vanoss wasn’t going to suggest he stay for selfish reasons. He had seen more activity on the other man’s channel since he had come, as Delirious had more access to sponsorships and promotions in the area. And before tonight, Evan had really thought Jonathan was enjoying his time there. For a second, he thought back to the conversation the two had the afternoon Rynx had dropped his first single. Was Delirious really over his ex, or were lingering feelings causing him to want to go back to her? It was a stupid thought, as the woman hadn’t been mentioned since, but the Canadian struggled to let the troubling scenario completely leave his brain. 

 

“It’s not that. I love being here with--I just-” Lips pressed tightly together as the masked gamer stared into the darkness of the living room, letting a heavy silence linger between them. Hoping to help carry some of the metaphorical weight of his friend, Vanoss nudged their shoulders closer together and gave half a smile once Delirious looked back at him. 

 

“Whatever you’re going to say has probably gone through my mind a hundred times.” And Vanoss wasn’t just saying that to comfort his friend; it was the truth. Despite not knowing the exact complications that Jonathan was facing, Evan had his own battles with rising fame when he became a household name. The road to success in the YouTube industry was no joke, and it came with stressors that most glossed over. Rumors, paranoia, and fake friendships were just to name a few. The Canadian had his own dark days when he questioned his role or even if he wanted to stay in the gaming industry. Thankfully, he did, but even now with the emergence of Rynx, stress was lingering just under the surface. So Evan gave his friend a minute to digest the honest statement, simply watching for a response. And finally, like a dam broke inside him, Delirious slumped against the back of the couch and spoke. 

 

“People want face reveals or multiple videos a day. They’re demanding to know when I’ll be coming to a PAX or if I’m _ever_ going to show myself and talk about my personal life. And I’m kinda-yo-you get used to that. But now adding to that, having this many subscribers means there’s a lot of differing opinions on what videos I should do. Solo or joint, horror or silly, even the people I play with get some sort of backlash. Every-Everyone wants different things. I just wanna make my fans happy. I’m-but-It’s impossible not to just-just-just let some people down, which is frusterating.” The jumbled up wording toward the end of the sentence would have been funny under different circumstances, but Vanoss kept his composure as he gave a thoughtful response. 

 

“Well, what do you want?” 

 

“Huh?”

 

“If you don’t take care of yourself, then you’ll end up burning out. Even YouTube nerds like us need self-care. So, forget the fans for a second.” Evan turned to face his friend, keeping a serious face as he leaned closer and spoke. “Be selfish for a minute; if you could do anything, right now, to just get rid of all the stress and relax. Something that makes you happy without any expectations. What would it be?” 

 

“Uh…” 

 

Delirious wasn’t used to having a concentrated stare focused on him if the slight panic in his eyes and his flushed cheeks were anything to go by. Still, Vanoss didn’t pull back, knowing that any sign of discomfort on his part would give his friend an opportunity to avoid the discussion. Keeping his external composure did not correlate to internal, and he was positive his heart was going to rip through his chest with how hard it was pounding. Jonathan simply had that effect on him, whether they were 1,000 miles apart or close enough to breath the same air like now. Painful yet euphoric, emotions blended together in the perfect storm. It was like seeing the beauty of the rain still pouring outside the window; destructive at first glance, but cleansing just the same. And Vanoss wanted to be swept away in the feeling, if not for the fact that Delirious didn’t have the same desire. 

 

“I’d probably want to bing play video games with you.” But that didn’t mean that Vanoss meant _nothing_ to the other man. The clarity in the blue eyes that watched for a response meant that Delirious had taken his time thinking over the answer, and was set in his decision. “Like, an all-nighter of just playing the stupid games we used to play before. Not to record or make money, but just to have some fun. That’s...probably what I’d choose.”

 

“Then let’s do it.” The simple conclusion was an easy solution to the situation. Pushing off the couch before his friend could respond, Evan cautiously walked across the darkened room to grab the two controllers for his PlayStation. “Wanna play _Super Smash_?” 

 

“Yes. _Hell_ yes.”

 

The response was full of relief, and a sense of pride swirled through the Canadian’s chest when realizing he was helping chase away Jonathan’s anxiety. It wasn’t gone; Vanoss knew a simple night of video games wouldn’t cure the problem. But knowing he had done something to support the man he cared the most about felt good. Their gameplay was sloppy and silly through the night, with teasing comments and nicknames that fans would consider viewing gold. The genuine reactions between the two as they switched between games (some that Evan had forgotten that he even owned) throughout the night wasn’t just refreshing for Delirious; it eased any of the stress from the Rynx debacle as well. It felt like the two had just unplugged from the rest of the world, a cardinal sin for social superstars like them. Playing with Delirious always felt different, Vanoss comfortable being loud and expressional with the accepting man. The number of times that he won or lost to the man beside him didn’t matter. What he did keep track of was the laughter and authentic joy that Delirious shared throughout the long night. 

 

Even as the sun doused the two with tired delirium, Evan could feel the older man's smile pressed against his bicep, Jonathan's forehead depending on the shoulder to support him.

 

“You lost.” Despite the screen saying the exact opposite, Delirious seemed to believe in the words tumbling from his lips. Evan rolled his eyes as he turned off the console with the controller, trying not to move his arm. It was obvious from the way Delirious was cuddling into his side that his friend was already half asleep and unaware of the actions that the younger man tried not to melt into. 

 

“Keep dreaming,” Evan replied softly, glancing around for the spare pillows he kept in the living room. It was pointless to move them far with how often his friend used them. 

 

“Don’t wanna lose you.” The words made Vanoss lean his head back to look at Delirious, whose fingers were now loosely wrapped around his bicep. The touch raised goosebumps on Evan’s arm, the alert man trying not to flush at the action. 

 

“You’re missing words again.” When Evan tried to correct the man’s statement, the sleepy response was quicker than he had expected. 

 

“M’ not.” A heartbeat boomed loudly in Vanoss’s ears at the slurred reply, though Delirious didn’t seem to be done stealing the breath from his friend. “You can’t leave me like...everyone else.” 

 

“Delirious…” But Evan felt himself fight with a response. Though the struggles that Jonathan had gone through as a child weren’t public knowledge, Vanoss knew more than most. He hadn’t had the most supportive family, and had cut most ties with the group he had thought were friends in his younger years. The details about these falling outs were never specifically talked about, but Vanoss got the hint that none were happy. Some, from the scars that Delirious pointed out through the past few months, proved to be more violent than Evan originally thought. And learning recently about the nasty break up Jonathan had with the woman he expected to marry only emphasized how lonely the man might feel. 

 

No wonder he cared so much about his fans; they were the family he never had. 

 

“Promise we’ll always be friends. Don’t throw me away...Kay?” It was said with an exhausted laugh, but the quiver in the fingers around Evan’s arm showed the fear lurking underneath. 

 

“I’ll never do that,” Evan promised instantly, feeling his stomach cramp at the thought of ever truly walking away from the man he had fallen in love with. 

 

But the word ‘friends’ echoed in his mind, and for the first time since realizing his feelings, something shifted in his brain. Jonathan didn’t need Evan as a _lover_ , but he did need the younger man’s friendship. Several times through their relationship, Jonathan had pointed out how important Vanoss was to him. But he had always emphasized their friendship. He _needed_ Evan as his partner in crime, his sidekick, his gaming guru. As his _friend_. That bond was something Jonathan cherished; if Evan put that at risk by admitting his feelings…

 

“Vanoss?” The mixture of sleep deprivation and emotional turmoil made Evan’s inhibitions slip, his feelings falling like water from his lips. 

 

“Even if I tried to walk away now...I’d just end up coming right back to you.” 

 

“You...don’t want to be my friend?” But it didn’t seem Delirious even knew what he was asking in his sleep-deprived state. Vanoss had to swallow to keep his breathing even, taking a moment to compose himself and answer. 

 

“I do.” The shaky words barely made it out of Evan’s mouth before the older man leaned all of his weight into Vanoss, falling asleep. Evan blinked once when feeling wetness at the edge of his eyes, silently cursing the bittersweet feeling crackling through his heart. “But I don’t want to _want_ you. Not like this, not when you don’t...shit.” 

 

Trying to shove down the pain, the man slowly lowered Delirious to the couch, slipping out from under him in order to retrieve the pillow and forgotten blankets on the floor. He positioned his friend as comfortably as he could on the couch, giving him a final glance before moving toward his own room. He was tired, sore from sitting in the same position for so long, and numb. Physically or emotionally, he wasn’t sure anymore. His face buried deep into his pillow as he closed his eyes, begging sleep to come so he didn’t have to think about the unrequited feelings he had faced earlier. He was fine with being in love with Delirious; he just wasn’t sure if he was okay with not being loved in return. Just the thought made the man feeling like he was drowning with no savior in sight. For a moment, his mind flashed to his promise of Bat Owl always saving Delirious from his demons. Even if Batcoon came to the rescue, it was doubtful he could rescue a broken heart. Evan gave a quiet groan before shaking his head, forcing his mind to stop thinking. For now, Vanoss needed sleep. When he woke up, he would figure out a way to deal with these unrequited feelings. 

 

He didn’t have a choice; this time, Evan would simply have to save himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That got a little sadder than I planned, buuuuut tis life. So, what do you think will happen next? Let me know in the comments, and don't forget to kudos! And check out my Tumblr!


	4. But I Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Brock talk, and a promise is made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I totally forgot to add this chapter to this site...my bad! You'll be getting the fifth (and final) chapter soon after this, so enjoy!

After desperately trying to rid himself of the depression that haunted his head the week after his morning confession, Vanoss needed an outlet. His emotions were beginning to bleed into his work on YouTube, something that the Banana Bus Squad was starting to pick up on.It was obvious to Evan that Delirious had noticed his changed attitude first, yet the man said nothing about it. Instead, he seemed to be trying to cover it up with bigger laughs or stupid stunts that he immediately talked to Vanoss about.Those who tended to stay out of other’s business, like Ohmwrecker and Panda, didn’t say much. Brock was the first to check in with him about the situation, though having more information than the others made him push past his passive nature to question Evan about the change. Moo still did it in private, through text or phone call, and kept the concern out of their videos. Brian and Nogla gave hints that they noticed the change, though it was presented as a joke instead of genuine concern. They were testing the boundaries, it seemed, and took the clear hint that Evan wasn’t willing to talk about it when the Owl YouTuber quickly changed the subject. 

 

The last one, though, wasn’t as easy to shake. 

 

“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Did someone shoot your dog or something?” Tyler had never been one to be shy about sensitive situations. Confrontation was his middle name, and he didn’t disappoint. The night of fooling around in the GTA universe had felt tense, and Evan knew that part of that was his fault. Gritting his teeth together, Evan kept quiet, glancing at the other two men currently playing the game with them. 

 

“Real sympathetic, Tyler.” Moo’s casual comment had an underlying current which seemed to hint that the conversation should be dropped. 

 

“Well it’s not like my fans want to watch this depressed fuck wallowing around in my videos; it’s not even fun blowing his ass up with a grenade launcher.” As if to make the point, the man in the pig mask sent Vanoss’s character flying off the screen, the random act pulling a laugh from the fourth player in the game. 

 

“Vanoss, you went super far!” Delirious’s laugh made something warm in Evan’s chest, but the sensation was instantly attacked with the bitter feelings he had yet to face. Before Delirious had shown up on his doorstep that rainy night, Evan had kept some delusional hope that the older man had feelings for him. There were signs of chemistry between them, or so the younger man had thought. Whether it was Delirious always wanting to be on his team, the amount of time the two teased each other in their gameplay, or the fact that Delirious came halfway around the country to stay right down the street from Vanoss, each moment tricked his heart into thinking the impossible. That Evan and Jonathan would somehow surpass the line of friendship. Except that wasn’t true. And now that Vanoss knew that, he was struggling with how to handle the reality of the situation. 

 

“Okay, everyone stop recording right now.” Tyler’s sudden demand dragged Evan’s focus out of his mind, the Canadian frowning at the order. 

 

“Why?” He asked, though it seemed that Tyler wouldn’t respond until his command was met. Sighing into his mic to show his lack of willingness to waste time, Evan followed the stipulation. “Fine, it’s paused.” 

 

“I wasn’t recording anyways,” was Jonathan’s answer, Moo’s distracted hum implying he was in the process of ending his recording. 

 

“Everyone off?” A jumbled mess of ‘yes’ from the other three made Tyler huff into his mic before he turned his character in the game toward Vanoss. “Then let’s just cut to the chase; something’s going on with you, Evan, and we all know it.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” It was a stupid defense, but Vanoss didn’t have an actual answer for Tyler’s sudden bluntness. 

 

“The whole squad is pulling their hair out because you’re like a zombie version of yourself. Everyone’s walking on eggshells and trying to put theories together like we’re a damn _C.S.I_ unit. You’re making _Titanic_ look like a romantic comedy.” The harsh words made Vanoss glare at his computer screen, his hands fisting in his lap. 

 

“I’m just having an off week, dude, it’s nothing to worry about.” 

 

“Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on that.” 

 

“What? How can you tell me I don’t know how I’m feeling?” 

 

“Because I know the difference between you being a little bitch about pointless stuff, and when you’re actually upset. And this time it’s definitely the second one.” 

 

“Tyler, this isn’t helping,” Moo cut into the conversation, keeping his voice passive despite his defense for his friend. Evan was thankful for the interjection, but it didn’t dispel the pool of negative energy now colliding in his chest. “If Evan’s dealing with something, let him do it on his own.” 

 

“Maybe if I didn’t give two fucks about the group or Evan, I’d think about it. But since that’s not the case, I’m not gonna just sit by and watch one of my best friends fall apart without saying something. We should _all_ be saying something, but you’re all just a bunch of pussies who-” For the first time all week, Tyler’s voice lost it’s biting edge, falling into a tone that Evan hadn’t been prepared for. Softer than normal, the sharp edges from before had dulled with vulnerability. “I’m not saying this to be an ass, I’m...I’m fucking _worried_ about you.” 

 

“Tyler…” But Brock’s sentence lost it’s steam, the discord channel falling silent for a moment. 

 

“What’s going on with you, Evan?” The weight of Tyler’s concern increased the guilt in Vanoss, and he tried to avoid the feeling by glancing away from the screen. He wasn’t trying to make his friends worry. If anything, Evan wanted to figure out how to let go of his feelings for Delirious so that he could go back to enjoying his recording sessions with his friends. He just hadn’t figured out how to do that yet. And now, it wasn’t just affecting him; the rest of the squad was feeling it, too. Which meant that fans were going to catch on soon, if they hadn’t already. The feeling of helplessness crowded Evan’s mind. How had he let this get so out of hand? 

 

“Vanoss?” The voice of Delirious squeezed his heart hard, Evan hesitating to look back up at the screen. Evan couldn’t see Jonathan, as he didn’t use a face cam, but he could practically feel the blue gaze on his while the older man spoke. “Are you ignoring something, too?”

 

The words hit as hard as Vanoss thought they would when Delirious called out to him. It had only been a few months ago that Evan had asked a similar question of his friend. It had been the same conversation where Vanoss had reminded Jonathan that he couldn’t help solve the problems or anxiety that man was having without Delirious telling him what they were. Vanoss had asked Delirious to trust him. Now, the roles were reversed. His best friend, someone Evan knew he would do anything for, was asking him to tell the truth about what was eating him alive. But how could Vanoss come clean to the one person inadvertently causing him so much pain? 

 

“I should go.” And without a proper goodbye, Evan logged out of his game and discord channel. Groaning, Evan slumped into his chair, pressing his palms to his eyes in frustration. The silence he hoped to hear in his house was interrupted by the rain pouring outside his window, another grim reminder of the night he didn’t need to remember. He wanted to be happy with what he had. His YouTube channel was soaring in popularity, he had a solid fanbase, and the friends that he played with every day made his job the best career choice he could have picked. Even his first remix was fairing very well despite not planning on sharing it quite yet. And Delirious was still in his life. He should have been content with all of his blessings, and normally he was. But now…

 

“I can’t get him out of my head.” The words were mumbled softly into the stale air, brown eyes emerging from his palms to glance out the large window of his recording room. The ocean had always been a calming site for him, which is why he loved that the wall facing the sea was made out of windows. Now, the grey sky darkened the room he sat in, Evan’s gaze following a drop of rain slowly trickling against the glass. It didn’t look like the storm was going to stop anytime soon, and he almost chuckled at how in sync the weather was with his mood. 

 

Evan turned his attention back to the computer screen, trying to distract himself by looking through Rynx’s recent comments. Most of it was praise, but the normal swell of pride he got at seeing these remarks didn’t stir inside of him. His finger scrolled down the list lazily, and his eyes barely read the words. This wasn’t helping at all. He got ready to close out of the page when a final comment caught his eye, the Canadian pausing as a familiar name flitted across the screen.

 

_Miranda Glory: Hey, Rynx! Your beat is amazing on this track. Let me know when you want to do that remix. Or who knows, maybe a collaboration?_

 

Evan blinked slowly as he pushed to sit up in his seat, re-reading the comment which had collected several hundred likes. Though he had never met the woman personally, he knew her through Rynx. The casual tone of her music and the gravelly vocals she possessed had made her one of the artists that he had reached out to when wanting to make a remix. Her “Blue eyes” track had stuck with him for a while, the meaning behind the words hitting closer to home than Evan was comfortable admitting at the time. If he hadn’t been drawn in by Delirious’s conversation the night he made ‘U-Rite’, her remix may have been the first release from Rynx. So wrapped up in his accidental release, he had forgotten about his desire to work with the young woman’s vocals. 

 

His eyes flickered away from the comment when his phone started to vibrate against his computer desk. He saw the name ‘Delirious’ flash across his screen, his hand remaining frozen on his lap. The vibration continued to echo in the quiet room, but Vanoss turned his attention back to the offer presented to him on the screen. For a moment, he wondered what kind of song he’d write for her vocals. It wouldn’t be upbeat, as her voice seemed perfected in drawing sultry emotion from her listeners. She’d be best with lyrics that embodied confliction, self-sabotage…wanting something she couldn’t have.

 

His eyes looked back down to the phone, reading the name that made his heart flutter and his stomach ache. 

 

“Not something…” Evan’s mind burst with the sudden desire to create, his fingers opening up his music program while looking up his contact information for the singer. He had been trying to keep his personal feelings out of his songs in fear of someone connecting the dots, but this was beyond that. Evan needed to get these feelings on paper, and hopefully then, they would stay out of his mind. He knew his heart was a lost cause, but if he could fake it for his friends...he could deal with that. And as the man typed the words ‘Want You’ across the blank sheet of music, Evan knew the truth. 

 

Evan couldn’t save himself from his unrequited love for Jonathan, but maybe Rynx could. 

 

~**~

 

It took a full week to produce the song to Vanoss’s liking. Meeting up with Miranda had been nerve-wracking, as it would be the first person in the music industry who knew about his true identity. Despite his nerves, she was very sweet, and he was surprised to know that she knew of his Vanossgaming channel. The two got along well, spending time working on the construction of the lyrics and flow of the song. Her nurturing and accepting aura made Vanoss relax, releasing his true emotions into the song they were creating. He never came out and told her where the inspiration for the lyrics came from. It was hard for Evan to admit it to himself, his throat burning whenever the infectious laugh or warm blue gaze of Delirious popped into his mind. But it didn’t seem like she needed much help figuring out it was something personal. In some of their downtime, she introduced him to her song “Take”, and the lyrics stuck too close to home for him. The knowing look the hazel eyes gave him hinted that she knew there was a connection between Evan’s feelings and their two songs. She didn’t pry, though, and he was thankful for her respect of his boundaries.

 

Submerging himself in his music also gave him an excuse to avoid the squad. Evan had Brock intercept the questions from their friends with the promise of ‘whatever he wanted’, knowing that he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to talk to them. Using the videos that he had kept in his queue to keep the fans from noticing his disappearance was easy. Working long hours in the studio with Miranda meant that he was rarely home. If anyone came by to try and catch him in person, he was lucky enough to miss them. Running on as little sleep as possible, Evan kept his mind focused on the song. His phone was more often dead than charged, which he thought was a good thing. Without the connection to the outside world, he didn’t have time to worry about what the others were saying. For now, he needed this. He hoped one day, years from now when his feelings were faded, he’d be able to explain to the group what he had to do in order to make their squad function properly again. And even more so, he worked with the possibility of being able to face Delirious as simply a friend, and not someone who desperately craved more. 

 

It took Brock four minutes after he shared the video with the man (and only him, as Evan made sure not to make the same mistake again) to call, Evan laying back on his bed while answering. 

 

“What do you think?” He wanted to close his eyes as he spoke to his friend, but Vanoss was afraid he’d pass out the second he did. Instead he kept them open, staring up at the dim light of his bedroom while Brock answered. 

 

“Is that the finished recording?” 

 

“I’m meeting up with Miranda tomorrow to tweak some stuff, but we’re releasing it at the end of the week.” 

 

“Evan, that song was amazing.” Brock’s compliment was soothing to Evan, his shoulders releasing tension he didn’t know he was holding.

 

“Thanks, man.” 

 

“No problem. I know how hard you work on your music.” 

 

“Ya, you right.” Laughing at his own play on words, Evan rested his free hand behind his head and continued. 

 

“This one took a lot out of me, not gonna lie.” 

 

“Because it’s your first original song, or because it’s your way of telling Delirious how you feel about him?” The question came out of left field, and the previous exhaustion Evan felt went straight out the window. The Canadian sat up in his bed, glancing around the room nervously to try and distract himself from the lack of strength in his reply. 

 

“The...first one.” 

 

“I think it’s both.” Brock’s forward claim made Evan swallow, disliking the weird feeling starting to tingle in his stomach at the claim. 

 

“Brock-” 

 

“What happened between you and Jonathan, Evan? I’ve been trying to be as patient and supportive as I can be, but now…” When Brock’s words hesitated to continue, Evan blinked, pressing the cell phone closer to his ear.

 

“Now what?”

 

“Ever since you left that call last week, Delirious has been a mess.” Brock’s admission left Evan breathless, the older man seeming to choose his wording carefully. “He’s been trying to hold it together for us, but I can tell he’s really worried about you. He’s gone by your house every day, and he’s convinced that whatever happened, it’s his fault. And I can’t tell if that’s him just caring about you or the truth. If you want me to keep helping you, then tell me what happened.” 

 

“It’s...Jonathan didn’t do anything wrong.” He tried to say it quietly, hoping the lower tone would hide the shake in his voice. “I just realized that the feelings I have for him aren’t mutual.” 

 

“With the way that he’s been handling you going MIA the past week, I can’t see how you’d ever think that.” 

 

“I know that I mean a lot to him, Moo. I _know_. But the way I feel isn’t-Delirious doesn’t have a lot of people he can trust.” His eyes fell to the ground in front of his bed, guilt edging his voice as he spoke. “If I ever told him the truth, it’d be more than just him rejecting me. He’d think I was just another person who was friends with him for ulterior motives. It’d crush him.” 

 

“And you don’t wanna take a chance on it because you’re scared of hurting him?” 

 

“Probably.” 

 

“...Can I tell you a story?” Brock’s sudden question felt random after Evan’s admission, but the older man took the quiet confusion as permission to continue. “My freshman year of college, I met this girl in my ethics and reasoning class. She was beautiful, and I was terrified of her. Like, Evan, I’m not kidding when I say she was the hottest girl I’d ever seen. I fell down a flight of stairs once because she smiled at me. She saw, the whole school saw-it wasn’t a good look for me. And I’m not Brian; I know I’m not the hottest man who’s ever walked the earth.” 

 

“Hey, don’t say that. You’ve got that dad bod going on, which is in now.” Evan’s weak attempt at humor made the other man laugh, his smile clearly heard through his words. 

 

“Well back then it was _not_ a thing. So I sat there for three years and silently pined over her. We kept having classes together because fate thought it was funny, and we even had some mutual friends. At parties, we’d talk, and she always asked me to be her partner for projects or to help study for big tests. But even when we got close, I didn’t say a word about how I felt about her. I was too scared she’d laugh at me or think I was weird, but it was more than just that. We’d become friends, and the last thing I wanted to do was make things awkward between us. 

 

“So now I’m in my final year of college, about to graduate, and I my appendix pops. In class, in front of the girl I’ve been dreaming about, I keel over and have to be rushed to the hospital. I’m kept there for three days in intensive care. Can’t go back to school for at least a week, not that I wanted to face anyone in that class. Made the whole idea of dying seem a little more appealing. But I made it, and have to face my ultimate embarrassment. And do you know what happened?” 

 

“You dropped out of school and became a YouTuber?” 

 

“I wish; then I wouldn’t have had all these loans.” Another genuine laugh from Brock made Evan smile despite the importance of the conversation. He couldn’t help it; Moo always made it easy to forget about the bad stuff in life. 

 

“Okay, then I don’t know. What happened?”

 

“My dream girl, who I had been sure thought nothing special of me? She walked right up to me and kissed me. In front of everyone, including the teacher. I seriously thought I was actually in a coma or something. But I wasn’t. Apparently, she had also been crushing on me, but she had been too scared to admit her feelings until she felt what it was like not having me there. And now, though I’m still not sure how I did it, she’s my wife. But we almost _didn’t_ get together, because neither one of us wanted to take a chance on the other.” 

 

“So I should hope my appendix bursts in order to get a pity date from Delirious?” 

 

“No way, that hurt. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even Brian when he blue shells me last lap.” The laugh was shared between the two, Brock seeming to wait for Evan to collect himself to continue. “Point is, I think your fear is making you assume the worst possible scenario with Delirious.” 

 

“I’m not saying Delirious doesn’t care about me,” Evan said, his lips tugging into a frown. “I just know he’s not in love with me.” 

 

“Trust me when I say after this week, you’re the only one in the group who thinks that.” Brock’s response felt riddled with underlying meaning, and Evan hesitated to question it. Before he could, Brock sighed into the phone. “But you’re you, which means words are pointless. So I’m cashing in my ‘owe you’ chip. When you release the song, tell Delirious the truth about Rynx.” 

 

“Wh-what? I can’t just-”

 

“You said if I helped you, you’d give me whatever I wanted. Well, this is what I want.” Brock’s cheery voice didn’t quell the panic stirring in Evan’s stomach, the Canadian swallowing twice to keep from choking on his own saliva. 

 

“Trust me, okay?”

 

“You know I do,” Evan muttered, questioning why he put so much faith in the other man. 

 

“Great, and when this all works out and you’re getting married to Delirious, I’m the best man.” The ridiculous statement made Evan roll his eyes but helped simmer some of his previous anxiety.

 

“You telling Tyler that?”

 

“I’d be mad if you _didn’t_ let me rub it in.” 

 

“You know, everyone thinks you’re the nice one of the group. If only they could see this,” Evan jested, earning another laugh from Moo.

 

“Well, all my fans seem to enjoy watching me have a meltdown in Golf with Friends, so I’m sure they’d be eager to see the sneaky side of me, too.” 

 

“Probably.” Evan finished his statement with a yawn, slow to lay back down on his bed. “But I’m going to pass out if I don’t get some sleep, and I’ve got a big day tomorrow. I’ll talk to you later.”

 

“Talk to you _after_ you tell Jonathan the truth.” And then Moo was gone, leaving Evan to sigh into the quiet air of his bedroom. He tossed his phone onto his nightstand, his eyes already closing as he curled onto his side. Despite Brock’s confidence in his observations of Delirious, Vanoss couldn’t shake the anxiety off his back. He hoped getting some sleep would help calm his nerves for the following day. He was going to tell Jonathan the truth. 

 

And it would either make him or completely break him in two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! Hope that you'll come join my community on Tumblr (CrimsonBlueMoon) and until next time!


	5. Rynx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth about Rynx comes out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, the finale of the story! I hope that you all enjoyed this adventure, and please let me know what you think of it! ^.^

Friday came faster than Evan had wanted it to. Part of it could have been blamed on finishing his work on the single and wrapping things up with Miranda. Working with her had proven to Evan that he wasn’t just playing dress up as a musician or DJ; he was the real thing. Rynx was a name that he’d be recognized by, just like Evan and Vanoss. The single would be dropped as his own creation, which was an amazing experience. The final parts of cleaning up the track before releasing it was a lot of work, so hearing the completed version Thursday night felt like a big accomplishment for Evan. 

 

But now, the promise to Brock was unavoidable. 

 

After releasing the song to all major music sites, Vanoss took a small snippet and made it his new outro. Then, Vanoss uploaded the first video he had made with his friends since his small hiatus from the group. He had taken his tongue lashings and bullying in the video like a champ, knowing that his friends were using their own form of communication to show his absence was noticed. Tyler didn’t hold back, though he did later call Evan to check in about their last conversation. Once re-affirming with the man that he hadn’t left because of Tyler’s aggressive concern, the Americain didn’t hesitate to question Evan’s whereabouts for the week. And though Evan was tempted to tell Tyler the truth, he knew that one person had to be spoken to before anyone else. 

 

A man who finally seemed to remember he had a key to Evan’s house Friday morning.

 

“Vanoss!” Evan tried not to show his immediate panic when looking up from his couch toward wide blue eyes, slow to move off the sofa to give a side smile. 

 

“Found your key-woah.” Evan hadn’t been able to finish his sentence when a ball of blue speared him into the sofa he had been just sitting on. It was weird to be laying under Delirious, whose legs tried to find a home on either side of his waist. Laughing to hide the way butterflies jumped in his stomach at the position, Evan looked up to his friend, leaning on his elbows and arching his eyebrow. “Hey to you too, weirdo.” 

 

“Where the _hell_ have you been?” There was a weird edge to Delirious’s voice that didn’t immediately make him think of anger, but it was obvious that the man was not pleased with Evan’s disappearing act. 

 

“Pulling a _Hoo_ dini?” He hoped his joke would calm whatever storm was brewing in the blue eyes above him, and it did pull a smile out of his friend. Even when Jonathan was an angry mess, Evan was able to get him to laugh. He considered it one of his superpowers. But the smile that momentarily took residence on Delirious’s face was wiped away, the older man furrowing his brows in confusion. 

 

“I was worried about you; you just disappeared on me without even saying what you were doing.” 

 

“I told Moo-”

 

“You should have told _me_.” Now Vanoss knew what the complicated emotion was from before; Delirious was hurt. Evan wasn’t sure if it was because he “trusted” Brock more than the others, or for a personal reason Jonathan hadn’t expressed yet. Either way, Evan’s brain was quick to internally chastise him for hurting the man that meant the most to him. Jonathan’s shoulders were hunched over as he fully planted himself onto Evan’s thighs, his hands yanking at the bottom of his blue sweatshirt in nervous jerks. Eyes that had been set on him before were now looking away, staring at the muted TV that the Canadian had been watching. “I thought...it was just-h-how was I supposed to know you weren’t mad at me or something?” 

 

“Why would I be mad at you?”

 

“Well, you just left right after I made that comment!”

 

“You thought I left because of you?” Vanoss asked, wanting to clear up the miscommunication as soon as he could. For once, the promise that he made to Brock didn’t feel like a death sentence. If he could use it to ease Delirious, then taking the chance of exposing his music career was something he’d do in a heartbeat. But he didn’t want to do it while the man was upset, and the slight tremble in the thighs around his hips proved that Jonathan had more to say.

 

“You just...e-ever since that night I came here because of my freak-out, I feel like you’re avoiding me. So I thought you were tired of having to deal with my-my-the weirdness in my brain.” It seemed to take a lot out of Delirious to admit the truth, and Evan didn’t hesitate to push into a sitting position and shake his head. 

 

“It wasn’t your fault. Besides, I like your weird brain. Helps make good content.” Then, for good measure, Evan flicked the forehead of the man now sitting in his lap. The position was a little cramped, as his couch wasn’t meant to hold two grown men the way they were currently sitting. He felt Delirious’s knee slipping a bit on the edge of the cushion, so he moved his hand onto the side of his thigh to keep him from falling. He hadn’t meant the touch to be intimate, but he knew his palm reflexively squeezed around the area it held, awed by the sturdy muscle beneath his touch. If the sudden flush on the older man’s cheeks was anything to go by, Delirious had noticed the touch as well, but he didn’t give any signs of discomfort or disgust. 

 

“You promise you weren’t mad at me? Swear on Bat Owl!” 

 

“Delirious.” He made sure their eyes met during the response, proving to his guarded friend that he wasn’t simply trying to placate him. Evan understood how important their relationship had become to Jonathan, as the two’s bond seemed to continue to grow with each day they spent together. He didn’t want to lose Evan. Even if Delirious couldn’t say the words out loud, they were painted on the lower lip he bit and the pensive look in his eyes. Vanoss wanted to soothe his friend’s anxiety, so he nodded to reaffirm what he had previously stated. “I promise, I didn’t leave because of anything you did. And if I ever do have to leave again, I’ll tell you. Okay?”

 

“Okay,” Delirious answered, Evan letting out a sigh of relief before he glanced at the TV. 

 

“Now, I need to tell you-” 

 

“I came here while you were gone,” Delirious’s sudden confession had Evan blinking at the blurted out words, unsure of what to say. The embarrassment in the American’s voice was rare, and it didn’t take much for Vanoss to realize Delirious wasn’t comfortable with his confession. Jonathan didn’t seem to be done, though, and his hands released the sweatshirt to cross over his chest. “Yup, that’s right. And I did a bunch of recordings, so enjoy your higher electric bill. Oh, and I-I rearranged all your little bath soaps that I know you st-steal from the hotels you visit! Don’t tell me you don’t, you-you-you _owl_ burglar. And- _And_ , I ate all of the-the coco puffs in your cabinet!” 

 

“That’s where that box went? I was looking for those this morning.” 

 

“Well they’re in Delirious’s belly now, and you get none, Owl man!” The villainous laugh that his friend let out was a cover-up for Jonathan’s true feelings, and Evan was lucky enough to know the difference between his real laugh and this one. 

 

“I guess I deserve it for making you worry about me.” He couldn’t stop his smile when seeing how the reply made Delirious choke on his laugh, seeming surprised at the easy acceptance of blame. Giving a shrug, the younger man hoped his smile showed he hadn’t meant the negative consequence of his action. “Can I make it up to you?” 

 

“Uh, sure.” 

 

“Then I need you to grab my phone.” Because, if he was being honest, he didn’t want to ask the man to get off his lap. It was comfortable having Delirious on him, and the older man didn’t seem to mind the close proximity of their bodies when he leaned across to snag the phone on the coffee table next to them. Evan’s hand slid up to Delirious’s side to provide support for Jonathan’s balance, and he laughed when the man still managed to nearly fall off the couch. But the American recovered quickly and snatched the phone, the clown-lover giving a thumbs up before depositing the device into Evan’s free hand. Evan’s attention dropped onto the phone as he tried to open up the channel that he wanted, his fingers barely skimming over Rynx’s account before he felt a hand gripping his shoulder. He glanced up to see that Delirious was trying to peek at the phone, his palm giving him more support than Evan’s. Their foreheads were practically touching from how close they were as Jonathan tried to tilt his head to better see the screen. 

 

“Rynx?” 

 

“Uh, yea-yeah.” Evan had to clear his throat after his stutter, quick to turn his gaze back to the screen to hide from the older man’s curious eyes. It was hard enough to keep his composure with the man practically cuddled in his lap, nevermind when those blue eyes were staring into his soul. He’d kiss Jonathan for sure if he did that. Holding onto his last string of restraint, Vanoss clicked on the song he had recently uploaded, turning on the Bluetooth to sync up the speakers in his living room. “He came out with a new song this morning.” 

 

“Really? Awesome, let me hear!” He couldn’t stop his quirk of a smile when seeing the excitement reflected on Jonathan’s face. He knew there was still an undeniable level of anxiety bubbling through his blood, but he wanted to focus on the warmth of pride that came from seeing Delirious’s reaction. Even if his confession changed their homeostasis, he could sleep better knowing that his music had an impact on Jonathan. He took a calming breath before he clicked the play button, listening to the slow start of the song with closed eyes.

 

He was relieved to learn that the song sounded just as good out of the studio as it did in it. The steady beat under the silky vocals of Miranda was alluring, and he knew that it lulled into a false sense of comfort before the chorus smashed through. The time and effort he put into making his feelings a piece of art weren’t wasted, and Evan felt his heart bouncing with the same beat of the hook. Listening to the song felt intense when the man the lyrics screamed for was sitting in his lap. He tried to block out the panic-inducing thought, focusing on the lingering burn in his chest. He hurt, in a weird way, from baring his true feelings on display. It was like sawing a cast off after the muscles had been trapped in place for months; the sore ache was expected, but the relief of finally moving forward in the healing process was worth it. This was music therapy for Evan. He could feel his fingers tapping against Delirious’s waist in time with the beat, his head swaying with the drifting vocals. The song was a part of him now. 

 

When the song came to its end, it felt like an eternity and a moment had clashed in an epic battle for rule over time. Hearing Miranda’s echo at the end of the song fade away, Vanoss listened to the silence the followed. Letting his sore chest fill with air, Evan opened his eyes again, facing the man who sat still in his lap. And it was like falling in love with Delirious all over again. The awe that shined in the man’s eyes was pure, like a child’s first time seeing snow. His hand was shaking on Evan’s shoulder, the Canadian not noticing the reaction until now. His smile was large, showing his small but dorky overbite that Evan enjoyed more than he knew most did. He was beautiful like this, and Vanoss felt his hand grip the waist he held tighter to fight off his desire to confess everything to the man now staring down at him in amazement. 

 

“Holy shit.” There was no way the quiver in Jonathan’s voice was faked, the older man quick to drop both hands onto Evan’s shoulders and shake them with excitement. “Did you hear that?! What the-when did-how does he do it? How does he...make me feel so…” 

 

“So what?” Evan hand to put his free hand on Delirious’s wrist to stop himself from shaking, trying to take in every reaction he could from his friend’s honest face. 

 

“He’s a stalky mind reader!” The reply wasn’t what Vanoss was expecting, and he felt a ripple of concern rush through him. Delirious thought the song was _stalkerish_? He knew his promise to Moo was important, but how was he supposed to tell his friend that the song was about him when Delirious had so blatantly said the song creeped him out? Feeling less confident about telling the older man the truth, Evan glanced away and tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. 

 

“That...doesn’t sound like you really enjoyed the song.”

 

“It’s not a bad thing.”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“You don’t make any sense!” Which made even _less_ sense than his original statement. Evan planned to give up on the conversation by distracting his friend with a video game, but Jonathan pushed through his frustration to speak. “It’s good, but it’s...it’s...hitting me? Wait, that doesn’t sound right either...I-I can’t explain it. But when he wrote-” 

 

Then Delirious stopped, a strange look fanning over his face. It was perplexed, but not in a way that Evan had seen on the man before. 

 

“Delirious?”

 

“Can you play it again?” The sudden request made Evan arch an eyebrow, his response slow.

 

“Why?” Delirious didn’t answer, instead snagging the phone that had fallen between them to drag back the progress bar of the video. Evan wasn’t sure what the silence meant, but it was rare to see such a concentrated face on his friend. The song played again through the speakers, and to Evan, it sounded exactly like it did the first time. No matter how many times he dipped his toes into the steaming water of his unrequited emotions, he couldn’t get used to the longing sensation yet. Which he was fine with, as he knew that would take time. Soon he’d have other thoughts trapped in his mind, and the ache he felt for Delirious would be smothered. Maybe even healed, if he found another person who tugged at his heart the same way the man in his lap did. The thought was weird for him to process, impossible to believe, but he knew logically heartache could fade. It had with Sydney, right? So why would Delirious be any different? 

 

“Did you write this?” The words that fell out of Jonathan’s mouth after the abrupt pause of the song had Evan’s mind crashing like a train with no breaks. Dazed at the unexpected question, Vanoss stared up at the man now placing the phone on their conjoined lap, blue eyes slow to locate Evan’s gaze. “Do you write for Rynx?” 

 

“Wh-what? Why would you-what?” Sometimes, Evan was great at hiding his true intentions. But there were times, like now, where he couldn’t lie about the color of the sky to a blind man. His face heated up as Delirious leaned closer to him, their noses inches apart while their chests barely brushed against each other. He could pull away, fall back on the couch cushions to give some space between them. But his instincts refused to listen, his hands both now located on the other man’s hips. Eyes stayed locked as if looking away would cause sudden death. Evan was sure his reflected his fear and anxiety, but Delirious didn’t mirror that. Instead, his eyes were tinted with curiosity and the need of an answer for his question. 

 

“There’s a line...you know, in the song?” Dumbly Evan nodded, knowing if he was in the right frame of mind, he’d have a sarcastic comment rolling off his tongue at the stupid question. As he was now, the Canadian was afraid his voice would crack if he tried to speak. At this, Jonathan smiled, eagerly bouncing in his seat (which didn’t help anything in the situation for Vanoss) as he continued. “So, there’s a line, uh...here.”   
Flipping his eyes back to the device, Delirious moved the progress line a few seconds back, only turning the song back on when his attention lifted back to Vanoss. 

 

_All my feelings fading_  
But for you they’re going crazy  
Try to walk away   
But end up closer to you baby 

 

“You said that to me.” The song had been paused again, and Evan knew his confusion was apparent. 

 

“I never said that.” 

 

“You did! Ma-maybe not that first part, but the end-you-you said something _just like it_ the morning after my freak-out.” Jonathan’s determination to prove his point was strange to Vanoss, who knew that his friend wasn’t the type in the group to drag out an argument. But Jonathan remembered more about that morning than Vanoss was comfortable with. He had been sure that being overtired would have erased his friend’s normally horrible memory. The guy couldn’t remember his superhero name most days, yet he could pick out the exact wording the Canadian used when they were beyond tired and half asleep? It wasn’t possible. 

 

But when taking a moment to let the memory flashback to that fateful morning, Vanoss realized the truth; he _had_ said that to Delirious. He hadn’t realized the connection to his favorite line of the song until right now. It was unnerving to Evan, who was still having to remind himself to breathe as he tried to pass off his nonchalance in their conversation.

 

“Even if I did say...something kind of like it, wouldn’t that mean the song was written about you? You think I’d write a song about you?” The argument was hitting too close to the truth, and Vanoss knew he had to stop. His mind begged him to change the subject, but his heart was trying to dislodge itself from his chest so it could radiate the truth on Delirious's claim. 

 

“Well...Is it?” It was a simple question loaded with no safe answer. Evan knew that he couldn’t straight up lie to his best friend, who sat patiently while staring at him. Evan wanted to shove him away or laugh off the question so that he didn’t have to answer it. But he saw the gleam of stubborn resilience in Jonathan’s face. The man wasn’t going to let this go. 

 

_“I think your fear is making you assume the worst possible scenario with Delirious.”_  
“-I just know he’s not in love with me.”   
“Trust me when I say after this week, you’re the only one in the group who thinks that.” 

 

The conversation he had with Brock earlier in the week floated through his head, and he couldn’t help but challenge his own mind while staring quietly at Delirious. The man was in his lap, their faces practically pressed together, with the Canadian’s hands on his hips. It was quite obvious that there was no repulsion or disgust in sharing the same air as Vanoss. And he had looked so hurt when talking about Evan leaving him in the dark. They were close, probably closer than friends should be. And though Jonathan wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, could Vanoss excuse all of these signs as simple obliviousness? Or was there some tiny hope that the man had similar feelings as Evan like Moo said? 

 

“It’s...about you.” Swallowing once admitting the truth, Evan’s hands felt sweaty as they gripped the sweatshirt material tighter, praying his eyes could stay focused on Jonathan’s while he spoke. “The song...I made it for you.” 

 

“Oh.” A moment of silence fell between them, and Evan waited for the man’s next response. He wanted to look away, but he knew that this moment was important. Whatever Delirious said next would determine their future, and Evan didn’t want to miss- “So...you write for Rynx?” 

 

“Yeah, I...wait, what?” He was sure if Tyler was around, he would have never let Evan live down the flabbergasted look that he was sure his face took on as Delirious pointed to the phone between them.

 

“You said you made it, right? I suspected that you knew Rynx personally! You’ve got to tell me what he’s like.” He waited for a second to see if his friend was joking or just trying to tease him to avoid the moment, but when the look of pride on the older man’s face didn’t dissipate, Evan realized Jonathan had missed a very important factor. 

 

“Delirious.”

 

“What?”

 

“ _I’m_ Rynx.” 

 

“...What?!” Smacking his own face when seeing how stunned Delirious looked at the statement, Evan shook his head as a migraine started to form behind his eyes.

 

“You are so stupid.” 

 

“Hey!” But the shout of protest made Evan burst into laughter behind his hand, finally dropping it down to look up at the pouting American still sitting in his lap.

 

“Delirious, anyone else, and I mean _anyone_ , besides you would have been more surprised with their best friend confessing they wrote a love song about them than the revealed identity of some DJ they’ve barely heard of .” He couldn’t help but smile at the sputtering from his friend and the ridiculousness of the situation. Of course, this was how his confession of being in love with Jonathan was going to go. It was just like Delirious; chaotic, misunderstood, and yet weirdly perfect in every way. Already giving up on the possibility of saving the moment, Evan moved his hand to cup his friend’s face, stopping any attempt at speech in order to focus him on Vanoss’s cheeky words. “You at least get what the song was about, I hope.” 

 

“I’m not brain dead or nothing like-like-of course I do, _Vanoss_!” The form of the pout after the scrambled sentence felt weird against Evan’s palm, but his stomach burst with electricity when Jonathan leaned his face into the touch and hesitantly moved his hand up to press over Evan’s heart. “It...it means you love me, right?” 

 

“Yeah, I do. I love your crazy ass, Delirious.” It was strange to joke around about something that had weighed him down so heavily for the past few months, but finally getting it out in the open was relieving. It certainly helped that his friend seemed accepting of Evan’s feelings, the slow blush creeping over Jonathan’s ears even as he spoke words that warmed Vanoss’s soul. 

 

“Well it’s mutual, ya know, the...how you feel. So-so who's the _real_ dumbass here?!” Even as he was insulted, hearing the response he was positive he’d never hear was enough to stun Evan into silence. Delirious didn’t let the quiet linger long, his free hand moving to squeeze against the one still resting on his cheek. “I thought moving out here was a big enough clue that I’m totally shoes over shoulders-”

 

“It’s head over heels-”

 

“-and you-you go write a song saying you don’t know I’m in love with you? What the hell does a Delirious have to do to make your snowman brain understand?” 

 

“You could let me kiss you.” The statement was instantly popping out of Evan’s mouth, though he wished the tone wasn’t as breathless as he had presented it. Jonathan’s grin was instant, nearly eating his face with how wide it was. Evan didn’t wait for a formal response, his lips moving toward Delirious’s mouth to take what he had been dreaming about. 

 

Their aim was off initially, with Jonathan’s impatience causing Evan’s mouth to end up brushing his jaw. Delirious growled while Vanoss snickered, though the younger man found the mouth he was looking for with a slight tilt of his head. Their kiss was charged with energy, and Evan reveled in it, taking all Delirious could give him without a flinch. His hand that had struggled to find a place to call home was secure on Jonathan’s waist, enjoying how perfectly his fingers captured the other man in his grasp. The older man’s mouth was warm and much softer than Vanoss had expected. Breathing through his nose to prolong the connection, Evan leaned up to deepen the kiss, his palm cradling the face he had loved for so long. Their chests pressed together, Vanoss taking the moment of intimacy to run his tongue over the lower lip now captured between his own. The bitter yet sweet mixture of Jonathan’s signature coffee (which carried enough sugar to make anyone else diabetic) was pleasing to Evan, who started to fall back onto the couch below them. Delirious leaned into the movement, eagerly chasing Evan’s tongue back into the younger man’s mouth while he settled in his new position. Having the American's weight on him should have felt uncomfortable, but Vanoss loved the pressure. It meant the moment was real, not something his mind had made up to torture him late into the night. 

 

Their ending of the kiss was hesitant, as if neither truly wanted to separate. Evan was slow to open his eyes, surprised to see Delirious already focused on him. The red of his friend’s cheeks made the blue of his eyes darken, and Vanoss knew this was his favorite shade of the man’s gaze. He thumb ran over the curve of the flushed cheek under his palm, still amazed that he could perform the action without his friend slapping his touch away. 

 

“Not bad.” Evan’s attempt at sounding unaffected by the kiss was lost from his shaky tone. Delirious didn’t seem to mind, his smile refusing to leave his face as he nodded. 

 

“Who knew an owl could kiss?” 

 

“Who knew a raccoon wouldn’t taste like garbage?” 

 

“Hey!” Vanoss laughed as Delirious scowled, guiding his huffing friend down for a shorter kiss. Even without the sultry undertone of their first contact, Evan felt his fingers tingling. The overwhelming joy of being able to act on his impulse without ruining his friendship with Jonathan was hard for Evan to fully grasp, even as he pulled away from their second kiss.

 

“Relax, you taste fine.” His voice had lowered from their close proximity, the two men falling quiet after Evan’s compliment. 

 

The Canadian took in his friend’s features in the silence, wondering why his heart was so calm despite the intense situation. He had just confessed two of his deepest secrets to Delirious, and yet he felt none of the stress that came with that. For all the months of silent pining and desire to have Jonathan in this exact position, Evan was sure his body would be shaking. But just like everything else that morning, his reaction surprised him, and Vanoss was glad to be wrong. Being calm and comfortable meant he could take in so much more of the moment. He could appreciate the smile that Delirious was trying to keep off his lips, and how cute he looked when he failed. Vanoss soaked in the warmth that was pooling between their chests, and how relaxed his muscles were despite the body on top of him. His fingers memorized the feel of Jonathan’s soft cheek, and how the man known as the maniacal clown was nothing like his online persona. And Evan loved every new side that popped out from the man perched on his lap. 

 

There was only one question that still lingered in the back of his mind. 

 

“You bummed out about me being Rynx?” Delirious blinked at his question, and Vanoss gave a small shrug against the cushions behind his shoulders. “Like, that it’s not some underground phantom or something?”

 

“No way!” There was no hesitation in the older man’s protest, Delirious shaking his head for extra emphasis. “Not only do I get to date a Youtube superstar and superhero, but also some amazingly awesome musician? I must be even more awesomer!” 

 

“That’s not a word,” Evan laughed out, hoping his friend didn’t notice the flush in his cheeks from the over the top compliment. “Also, did you say boyfriend?” 

 

“Well, aren’t we?” 

 

“I don’t remember you asking me to date.” 

 

“You wrote a song dedicated to me! Isn’t that close enough?” Evan stared up at Delirious, who looked confused. But beneath the lost look, Vanoss could see a hint of worry, meaning that Delirious wasn’t as confident in his assumption as he presented. Thinking about his response, the Canadian dragged the older man closer to him, pressing their foreheads together as he gave his smug answer.

 

“When you put it like that, you right.” Delirious only took a moment to catch the reference, his laugh taking over any attempt to respond. Despite the noise being too loud for their lack of space, Evan couldn’t stop himself from smiling, watching the man he loved fall apart in laughter. His heart soared at the image, promising to never forget this moment for the rest of his life. Everything he needed to be happy was a giggling mess in his lap. And it didn’t matter if he was Vanoss, Bat Owl, Rynx, or a normal guy named Evan; one thing remained the same. 

 

He loved Delirious, and nothing in the world could change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who read this story. It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed myself. Don't forget to let me know what you think of it, and come visit me on Tumblr! (CrimsonBlueMoon)

**Author's Note:**

> And that's the end of chapter one. What will Brock think of the new song? Will he discover who it is about? Or will something else cause trouble in Rynx's paradise? Kudos, comments, and hope to hear from you soon! 
> 
> Also, come chat with me on my tumblr! Same name as this; I'd love to make some new friends in the BBS fandom =)


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